I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Breaking news:
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When you let grandma cat sit
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Maths meets science
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”