I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
PARKOUR
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.