I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
You Might Also Like
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
A choir of Spring onions
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.