“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”