I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
You Might Also Like
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.