I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship
gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-
me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.