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@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@jonnysun

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

@sonictyrant

TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane

@existential_d

couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship

gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-

me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito

@Contwixt

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

@noog

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

@Dong_Hanger

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@GrantTanaka

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.