I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
oh my gosh!!