whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free