@impaulmccoy

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

You Might Also Like

@Bagyants

I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.

@WilliamAder

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

@MomoVonTrite

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

@SlabBaconBP

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

@Phook75

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

@tabsickle

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@PinkCamoTO

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”