I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

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I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.


Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.


Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.


Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.


Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.


She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.


“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows


It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”