[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.