@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

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@causticbob

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@ibid78

“Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?”
“People say I’m too hospitable.”
“I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?”
“Your call.”

@girlontapas

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

@Llama5x

I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.

@ronnui_

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

@iamspacegirl

[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.

@AndrewNadeau0

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

@rockymomax

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

@barryjohnharper

Why do they provide drugs while giving birth but not for the 18yrs of motherhood afterwards?

@LurkAtHomeMom

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*