USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’m single with no kids.
I don’t answer to anyone.
Okay! I’m opening the can now!
Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!
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“Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?”
“People say I’m too hospitable.”
“I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.
Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
COP: drop the gun
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Why do they provide drugs while giving birth but not for the 18yrs of motherhood afterwards?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*