I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.


Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

You Might Also Like


USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about


“Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?”
“People say I’m too hospitable.”
“I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?”
“Your call.”


I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.


I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.


[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years


[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.


GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.


COP: drop the gun


COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no


Why do they provide drugs while giving birth but not for the 18yrs of motherhood afterwards?


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*