@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

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@Divergentmama

“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.

@Stfunell_

10 y/o me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm i need glue for my project tomorrow

@UGotMeRight

You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.

@bergified

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

@UncleBob56

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@zannah

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@squirrel74wkgn

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

@patnspankme

I just drained a 6 pack of club soda in 20 minutes and I’m wucking faisted

@TheCiscoKidder

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.