@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

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@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

@jwoodham

[Gets a Netflix notification on phone]
FRIEND: Is that your ex?
ME: [Lying] No.

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@TheMichaelRock

The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.

@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

@lmegordon

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

@Book_Krazy

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

@SlipperySecret

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.