“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”
*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.
I’m single with no kids.
I don’t answer to anyone.
Okay! I’m opening the can now!
Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!
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10 y/o me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm i need glue for my project tomorrow
You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I just drained a 6 pack of club soda in 20 minutes and I’m wucking faisted
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.