I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.


Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

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[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon


[Gets a Netflix notification on phone]
FRIEND: Is that your ex?
ME: [Lying] No.


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.


ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir


I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.


I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.


Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can


Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again


I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.