I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.


Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

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“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.


10 y/o me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm i need glue for my project tomorrow


You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.


Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.


Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.


Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.


This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.


Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show


I just drained a 6 pack of club soda in 20 minutes and I’m wucking faisted


I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.