I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

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joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no


Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.


Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do


my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.


6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.


-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]


BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please


People with multiple search links in your bio, what did we do to deserve that?


Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.