@Duke1173

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

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@Ygrene

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

@callmeEvian

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@that1mum

Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends

@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

@junejuly12

You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.

@itspaigealena

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

@EazeAli4

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

@GingerHotDish

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.