“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper