I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*