I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

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I’m not against half naked men.
At least not as often as I’d like to be.


Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.


How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.


I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.


I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.


KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears


I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.


Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*


Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him


I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.