I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce