I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.