I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him