Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
You Might Also Like
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Seek kebab; not attention
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.