I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ok but actually
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
cry laughing at this shit
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM