I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.


Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours


where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?


My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.


How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?


Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.


Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.


Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*