I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
This is the best one I’ve seen
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF