I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.