@Darlainky

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

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@GashleyMadison

Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Bears: We’ll take the bad news.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@DaBusTp

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

@abbycohenwl

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

@bobvulfov

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

@panmidwest

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

@MichaelTrying

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

@aissalanis

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts