I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?