I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
me when I see my crush
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”