I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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This will never not be funny to me.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Mhm.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.