I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

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“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.


Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.


The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.


*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”


I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.


If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.


Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.


Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears


Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.