I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)