@DancesWithTamis

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

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@doktorj

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

@shegotagronk

Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.

@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

@artsofdrawing

*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”

@ihoplollipop

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@CarmenLagala

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

@CakeThrottle

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.