i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I might carry a baby with one hand.