There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir