My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Sick of all these Santa apologists. A HOME INVASION IS A HOME INVASION.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.