I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I can fix him.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?