I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Breaking news:
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅