@jake_likes_naps

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

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@moiragallaga

The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.

@arielleBigBlue

Your sign says “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE”, so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.

@Ristolable

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

@randypaint

life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus

@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@danadonly

when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.

@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

@kwirkyKerri

I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.