I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.


Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*


Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?


I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I’m afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.


btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong


*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*


me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage