The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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Your sign says “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE”, so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.