I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

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The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.


Your sign says “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE”, so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.


A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not


life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus


Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.


when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.


My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.


If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?


I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.


Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.