I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.