I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
British websites use biscuits.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Single and childfree like Jesus
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it