Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.