I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.