@iGreenMonk

I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!

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@Heldinchains

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

@LADaddy

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

@TweetPotato314

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

@Eightinchgoat

When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@murrman5

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

@6thgrade4ever

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist