I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You Might Also Like
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Breaking news:
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
You wish you had this many chins.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.