getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
You Might Also Like
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.