difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
pep talk
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes