Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.