when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Hero horse inspires millions
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
my dog when i have a friend over
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.