If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I am never leaving this website
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.