@PinkCamoTO

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.

@PwrFulWmn

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

@TattleTSister

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

@PhilJamesson

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

@JPLFR80

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

@Tonejonzz

Lets give each other cute nicknames like, ‘Plaintiff’ and ‘Defendant’