I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.