Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
You Might Also Like
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: *breaks down door
Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?
M: HOME INVASION!
W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Lets give each other cute nicknames like, ‘Plaintiff’ and ‘Defendant’