“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I am also baked goods
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The sacred texts.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.