@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

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@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

@Ms_WhateverV

Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.

@ArfMeasures

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

@SarahMJade

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@BoogTweets

*Full parking lot*

Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!

*spot opens up*

Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!

@xLiserx

I tried living every day like it was my last but I got arrested on my second day of looting.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.