I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.


Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*


I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right


paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car


I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.


The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.


A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.


*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*


I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.


The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.