@WilliamAder
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
@sarcasticmommy4
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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@WilliamAder
@ArfMeasures
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
@Ms_WhateverV
Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.
@ArfMeasures
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
@CauseWereGuys
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
@SarahMJade
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
@BoogTweets
*Full parking lot*
Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!
*spot opens up*
Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
@xLiserx
I tried living every day like it was my last but I got arrested on my second day of looting.
@NewDadNotes
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.