I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*Full parking lot*
Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!
*spot opens up*
Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
I tried living every day like it was my last but I got arrested on my second day of looting.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.