@noog
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
@sarcasticmommy4
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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@noog
@IamEveryDayPpl
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
@abbycohenwl
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
@LMHPhotog
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
@Ron_White
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
@mela_shea
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
@garrettbarry70
A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.
@XplodingUnicorn
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
@SaraESpivey
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
@wildethingy
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.