@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

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@FunnyMojoJojo

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

@PaperWash

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

@rachelle_mandik

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

@Scott_A_Gilmore

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.

@JohnLyonTweets

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@Mr_Kapowski

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today

@nash_official

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom