I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!


Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”


the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free


*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS


Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.


[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!


When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.


8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today


fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom