I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System
*Czechs for ABS
“The new Star Wars comes out in two years”. (Luke 20:15).
Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long
she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom