I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
british sex workers really pound for pound
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.