I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
wtf is an acronym
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.