I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?