@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

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@copymama

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@AmishPornStar1

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@WhatsHerFace33

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

@hippieswordfish

*suddenly awakes*
honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy’s face

interviewer: ummm

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.