I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You Might Also Like
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I beg your pardon?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
doing your own taxes
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in