*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”
– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy’s face
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.