HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Friends are like balloons; if you stab them, they die.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.