@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

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@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

@Shen_the_Bird

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

@RunOldMan

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

@ClassicMegan

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

@AmericanGent69

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

@3sunzzz

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.