I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
dogs can find happiness so easily
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
okay run it by me one more time
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
New tinder profile pic