*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow