@BastardProphet

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

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@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@NiallOfficial

Apparently you can’t have a normal conversation with someone these days if you haven’t seen ‘game of thrones’ or ‘stranger things’

@chlosephine_

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

@mommajessiec

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though