me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Just a reminder, folks:
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I need this for my side hustle.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life