I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend


Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*


Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider


[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence en????? ???? ??


My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out


I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years


My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.


*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*


You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.


People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.