@MikeDrucker

I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

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@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@AudreyPorne

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence en????? ???? ??

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@scott_tobias

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@pizzasauceboss

*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

@JonAcuff

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.