I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.