I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t


Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?


Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days


scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves


I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.


Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.


astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit


[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!


I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.


ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.