@KalvinMacleod

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

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@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of birds going to any concert they want for free. Maybe get a job and buy a ticket like the rest of us.

@markedly

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

@ninetek

I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@10InchesPlus

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

@markydoodoo

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.