“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Story of my life…..
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.