@XGroverX

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

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@sarcasticmommy4

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

@shariv67

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

@DanMentos

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

@FU_TangClan

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.

@hazelmotes1

Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED

@NYC_Blonde

Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?

@MomofTeen

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”